And the so called void you feel in you
Might be the fuel to keep you moving forward
Where you won't find yourself satisfied
And if the root of all your darkness
It's the same void you feel inside
Would you leave the void behind?
Sometimes I think that the sudden depression is the mere
voidness everyone's feeling.
I do think it might be the same thing that keeps my dreams to go to Mars.
I do think it might be the same thing that keeps me alive.
This sort of depression, I now think, might be either a mental disease or a traume from my childhood.
My encounter with death was not good. I saw the process of how cancer killed horribly two of beloved ones. I spent many days crying because I couldn't accepted why old people have to die.
Those were very sad days and I'm wondering that perhaps it marked me or it was the beginning of something worse to come.
One of the firsts answer to why I have those sudden episodes of depression was the levels of energy and happiness I present most of the time.
If the brain tries to balance out the neurochemicals, then it seems plausible to have depressive episodes as results of the brain trying to balance out the happy chemicals.
Something that makes me doubt about it was that I was this happy when I was a kid. I do remember that there were moments where I felt this void inside me. That is in fact what makes me feel that everyone else indeed have this episodes. It’s just that they have a different name for it, namely, existencial crisis.
I’m still looking for an answer, though, I sort of made the peace with it. It’s not that I want to fix it. I want just to understand why it happen.
I remember I read that people who usually joke a lot, the comedian of the group, tends to be the most miserable. I have that role...
This is time I decided to start a blog. The whole idea is that I think I finally admitted to myself that I have many issues to work with. One of them is depression.
Perhaps the kind of depression I have is quite normal. I dunno. All I know is that sometime is too much of something accumulated that I just get quite depressed and I have this need to cry. A lot.
And that's it. Suddenly, I feel all better with extra energy and so happy. I just can't stop being friendly and smile to anyone. The world looks different. I don't see the sadness around even though I know is still there.
So, if these episodes get resolved somehow, what is the point of this blog, anyway?
Well, there are a lot of thoughts of all kinds that happen in those episodes. I need to express them, materilize them in the form of symbols that human can understand. Humans who may look for something similiar and realize they are not alone. That this is normal. I hope this is normal and not the trace of a psychologial issue that has been unfolding since I was a kid.
Here we go.